But the stress was still there because it was only Wednesday.  I had scheduled mounts for tomorrow and the next day.  I hadn't made the finally decision to completely stop, even though I knew in my mind and heart it was time.  I've endured a lot of stressful moments in my life but nothing compared to this.  To me it felt like the end of the world even though I knew it wasn't.  But my hormones were raging, my mind was going in ever which direction and my body was exhausted. I needed to just make my decision and just stop riding and deal with being pregnant.  I called a few friends to give me there advice on what to do.  I cried and cried as they spoke but finally there words of wisdom started to make sense to me.  It was not the end of my career.  I would be able to come back if I wanted.  It was just a new change that I would have to adapt and get used to.  My new life was just beginning.  

You talk about anxiety?  It lasted thru out the night and into the next morning.  Wow!  No words to describe it.  I finally called my agent and said "I can't do it anymore.  He said "you better call your mother now and let her know because I am going to announce it to the racing industry in about 5 minutes."  Oh God, more stress.  This was my worst night mare.  I had already imagined how she would take the news and it wasn't good.  But I want her to hear it from me before the news gets out.  I was trembling and crying hysterically now, but I dialed her number and waited for her to answer.  She answered in a cheery voice and immediately started to tell me about her horses.  I had to interupt her by saying "Mom!, I need to tell you something."  She said "is everything alright?"  I said "NO, Im PREGNANT."  I held in my tears for as long as I could.  It didn't take her but a second to react and it wasn't good. (I think I ruined her morning.)  She said "are you crazy?" and the rest was a blurr.  I didn't want to hear the negativity because I was already a wreck.  I started to cry hysterically now and said some not so nice words and hung up.  It was awful.  I always want my mother to be proud of me and at this moment she was really disappointed in me.  It hurt more than words could describe.  I stayed in bed crying for about 4 hours.  I was angry at her reaction, even though I knew she wasn't going to take it well.  That day was the toughest day.  I ended my career(temporarily), I told my mother and then the racing world.  Ugh what a relief and a nightmare all at the same time.

Everyday seems to be a challenge from that day.  I have my great energy filled days to my not so great days where I think my life is over and I can't stop crying.  When I feel like that I sit back and try to reflect on my life and all the good fortunes I had and still have in my life.  I am healthy, I have a wonderful family, amazing friends and a great guy who supports me in whatever I want to do.  I also thank GOD for this blessing and tell him I am sorry for complaining about the not so important things. 

Can I tell you?  One major issue I have with being pregnant is the weight gain.  I can't believe how the body can stretch the way it does.  The water retention, the rapid heart rate at times, the headaches.  In my profession, weight is a major factor.  I would have to get on the scale constantly thru out the day.  Now I don't even want to see a scale.  In the beginning I would check my weight every morning.  I would think not to bad today, I only gained a pound, then as the months go by and the weight starts to show up in the 120's and then the 130's Grrrrrrrr I just want to scream.  Now the only time I will get on the scale is at the doctors office.  I think Im about 138lbs now, but most of it is all belly.  Yes my butt has filled out as my thighs have, but my chiropractor informed me that most of it is fluid and a way for the body to be able to carry the extra weight during pregnancy.  That made me feel a little better.  I eat pretty healthy, with no weird cravings yet. 

The last 6 weeks have been pretty good.  I feel good, exercising and swimming as much as I can and keeping myself busy.  I have the greatest friends and neighbors here.  Very supportive.  I keep telling myself Im over halfway there.  Before I know it my baby will be born.

Well I am now 24 weeks and 3 days pregnant and I am home getting things prepared for my little baby Ashley Rose.  I still try to watch the races here and there but it gets depressing.  I really miss riding and the excitement that the sport brings.  I plan to try and return to racing for the Tampa Bay Downs meet in December 2011.  Im hoping to be ready by then.  What do you think?